The relative neglects himself/herself

The majority of relatives in Denmark have a family member with a mental illness, while around a fifth are friends of a person with a mental illness. Relatives therefore become a broad term that includes everything from family to friends and covers both children and adults. Today, we know that it is important to involve relatives in the treatment of a person with a mental illness. However, it is less widely known that relatives of people with mental illness often experience a stress reaction themselves, such as stress, anxiety or depression. This may be because the relative does not take good enough care of themselves in the process. As a relative, it is normal to neglect themselves in favor of the person with a mental illness. When the relative puts their own needs first, many experience a guilty conscience creeping in.

The heavy sense of responsibility

The caregiver often has a great responsibility, as their loved ones need their support much more than before. As a result, many caregivers feel a great deal of pressure and a sense of responsibility that may seem overwhelming.

If you have never experienced having someone with a mental illness close to you before, it can be overwhelming. As a partner, you may feel very alone with all the practical things in the home, while at the same time having to mentally be there for the other person. Parents may experience a sense of guilt that their child has a mental illness, and feel a responsibility to find something that quickly ”works” for their child. In a study from Sweden in 2016, parents described feeling powerless. They experience an unavoidable sense of duty, as they feel as parents that they should of course help their child, while the possibilities for relief seem limited (Lindgren et al., 2016).

A common trait for lovers, parents, close family members and friends is that it can be difficult to navigate "losing" a loved one to a mental illness, and many find that they can do nothing about it, despite an enormous desire to be able to help. 

Mental breaks are important

It is important that you as a relative are aware that you do not have to completely remove the pain from your loved one to contribute to relief. A mental break from all the difficult things can also be soothing. Mental breaks do not always require much. For example, it can be that you remove the focus from the problematic things. This can happen through a shared activity or event such as a walk in the forest, a trip to the cinema or a board game. It is important that you plan other forms of socializing than just talking about the difficult things, despite the fact that you are going through a difficult period in your life.

At the same time, it is important that the relative continues to remember to care for their other relationships and leisure activities, even if it sometimes means that the person suffering has to wait. You still have to fill your life with breaks and positive influences, which give you the opportunity to recharge your mental battery. This way you have the energy to process your own emotions and experiences. You also shouldn't have a bad conscience about, for example, feeling joy or having fun, as it is healthy for your mental immune system.

Speak up and strengthen the relationship

Relatives may also experience their boundaries being overstepped by their loved one with mental illness. Setting boundaries and standing up for them ensures that you continue to have a healthy relationship. Therefore, you should not be afraid to speak up in a proper way to the other person, but instead see it as an investment that can help both you and your loved one maintain a good and healthy relationship.

For example, it is okay to respectfully say that you cannot stand to be alone with the information the person in question is giving you, and therefore advise your loved one to also tell friends, lovers or family members, as this will ease your responsibility in the process.  

The importance of support for the relative

It can be difficult to put into words the role you have as a caregiver. You may feel that others have difficulty understanding what it is like to be a caregiver. You may feel ashamed that you are irritated by your loved one with mental health problems. But it is important that you talk to others about the experiences and feelings you have, so that you take care of yourself by creating an accessible support network to lean on. 

It is important to be aware that as a relative you are at risk of becoming psychologically stressed – either during the process or when the loved one has gotten better and you can let go of your role. It is crucial to be aware of your own role and take it seriously. 

A 2015 study conducted a systematic review of caregiver-focused interventions, including 21 controlled trials. The study found that caregiver-focused interventions improved caregiver experience and quality of life, as well as reduced psychological distress (Yesufu-Udechuku et al. 2015). Another study found that significant effects were seen after just 6 months when caregivers of people with mental health problems received psychological support themselves, compared to caregivers who did not receive psychological support (Polo-López et al., 2015). 

One in three Danes considers themselves to be a caregiver. One should not underestimate the psychological strain that a caregiver can experience during or after a period with a loved one who has a mental illness. Research shows that it can benefit caregivers to get help to handle this role, which for many can be difficult and mentally stressful. It is recommended that you take this strain seriously, allow time for breaks from the role, and ensure that you as a caregiver have a place to go for support and encouragement, such as a network of family and friends where you can talk openly and honestly about your experiences as a caregiver of someone who is mentally ill.