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When we teach our children that they can transport themselves to school, we show them confidence, and they will experience that they can do more than they might think. This helps to manage the child's self-confidence.
An active role makes the child part of the family community
We don't have to go far back in history to find children with a very different role in the Danish family structure than we see today. We certainly don't want to go back to treating children as little adults, but some would argue that we have ended up in the opposite ditch – perhaps as a backlash against the authoritarian parenting style of previous generations.
Children have gone from having specific work functions in the family to having no other fixed functions than being the one their mother and father love the most. This can be an abstract role, and it can make children both passive and unsure of how to find their part in the community. If they observe that their parents are busy with many tasks, they may find it difficult to 'wedge themselves in' these activities. It therefore has an inclusive effect to make the children an important part of the work tasks in the family. This defines their role and makes them a natural part of the community.
Bemerk is a psychologist in Aarhus who, among other things, helps patients with treatment of ADD and ADHD, and companies with supervision and improving well-being in the workplace.
Confident children challenge boundaries and limitations
Since many parents' weekdays consist of more working hours than spending time with their children, this often leads to a desire for family time to involve more coziness and less upbringing. This is understandable. However, in this everyday structure, there may be an unwillingness among parents to both create clear frameworks and stick to these frameworks. All secure children will challenge frameworks and limitations, and it is tempting to skip the conflict on a Tuesday evening at 6:45 p.m. And you can do that occasionally. But as a general rule, it is important that parents stand by their role as leaders in the family – and not as equal partners to the children. This places far too much responsibility on the children's shoulders to create direction and find their own course.
Give a loving push in the right direction
Children are not cognitively equipped to understand what will benefit them in the long run, but are typically driven by needs. Therefore, parents must, with a loving hand, guide, limit and make demands. Many children need a gentle push towards independence – and this involves moving out of the comfort zone and into something that immediately has an element of discomfort. In order for children to continue moving in this direction, it requires that we as parents can accommodate this discomfort. And accommodating children's discomfort is one of the great challenges of parenthood! But you should not endure discomfort for the sake of discomfort. You must focus on what the purpose is. For example, mastery experiences, greater freedom and independence. These are values that can help both parents and children to move towards independence for the children in everyday life.
A natural place to practice this is in the children's transportation to school, leisure activities, etc. This provides an opportunity to gradually expand independence and to experience mastery through one's own actions.
It is important that parents are partners in the project and can accommodate the children's discomfort. Because although it may be tempting to give the child a lift to school on a rainy November morning, this is perhaps where you will find a big boost in self-confidence, mastery, and independence.
This article is Bemerk's contribution to a campaign from eight municipalities in North Jutland 'Your Child Can Do It Yourself'. See the campaign page here: https://www.ditbarnkanselv.dk/#hjaelp-dit-barn-til-en-selvstaendig-og-sundere-hverdag
